My life has been chalk full of change lately. And it's not all been mine. My kids are growing up so fast and with all the changes that goes along with that it's starting to smack me upside the head. I find myslef wishing for the easy days when I could hold them and cuddle them, back when I could kiss it all better.
I suppose if I write about it all I would have at least one child that would be very upset with me. And I can't betray that trust that has taken me so long to get in the first place. But they are growing up so fast it seems. I remember what it was like back in those days. All I can really say is that I am so glad that I am raising these awesome kids I have and not me. "haha".
I'm very grateful that they can come to me and tell me anything and they know that I wont betray their trust. Sometimes I just need to be there to listen and sometimes help guide. I know that the are each their individual person and I can't make the hard decisions for them. But I can guide and try to teach and also give them every chance I can to succeed in life. And so far it is working.
Even though I find myself wishing for the old days, I'm excited to see my kids go through all the first. Like your first crush and even your first heartbreak "that's a hard one".But I know it will only make them stronger. I think I am harder on my girls then I am on Koby. And that is only because he is a boy, I'm not proud of myself to even say that because I believe in equal rights. But Koby will have it so much easier then Lexi and Rylie will. He wont have to face the same things. Girls can be so mean to each other and the boys in their lives can make it really hard to belive in yourself. Girls tend to take what is said to them to heart.
I want my girls to believe in themselves. I don't want them to ever think that a man is the answer. I know I know they are still so young. But I think it starts now when they are so young. I'm sure you have all seen the dove commercials about girls and helping them to feel confident and comfortable with who they are, and I fully agree with it.
Then there is me. There has been a lot in my life I am trying to come to terms with right now. And let me tell you it is not an easy thing to do for me. When I want something I find myself not being the most patient person in the world, And I really need to work on this. I'm not talking about material things either. Emotionally I am a mess, not only about my kids growing up either. I've been in contact with the other side of my family. And with that comes a lot of skelatons that some people want kept hidden away in a closet. I can understand why and it's not even that that bothers me. I suppose it's all of my own skelatons I have kept hidden from even myself. Emotions and fealings that I have hidden for so long from myself and from others.
I've always tried to pretend that certain things didn't bother me that I didn't care. But the truth is I always have cared and it has always bugged me. I was raised by some awesome parents that loved me regardless of my faults. But there is still a whole nother side of my family that I never really new about. I mean I always new they where there that they did excist. And now I have had oppurtunity to find these people and talk to them. It's been wonderful and exciting to see them and hear about there lives. To be able to learn where I come from, to know who I look like. But with that comes all the things that I tried to keep hidden from myself. There are certain things I need to come to terms with, I know this I'm just not sure how to do it.
I struggle with not wanting to hurt my mom and dads feelings, yet knowing I need to find my answers. I guess I can only hope that they know this isn't about them, it's about my own quest in life. I suppose it seems stupid, But I always worry about how I will make someone else feel, and I don't want to hurt anyones feelings or step on someone else's toes.
My biggest worry is about my dad that raised me. I don't want him to ever think that I don't think about him as anything but my daddy. He is one of the most amazing people I know, And I don't want to risk loosing him. I hope that he knows that these are two different things, That I am not looking for a replacement. It's just that I am trying to follow my heart. I know that as a parent it has to be hard to watch your child search for answers and sit on the sidelines and worry you might loose them. Yet to me as the child, these are two different issues, two different worlds. One doesn't override the other.
And I worry about my mom. I love her so much and I never want her to think that I don't or that I feel like this other side is more important then her, because it's not. I have a good bond with my mom, and I'm scared that I may loose that, I don't want that to happen. I guess one can only hope that things work out the way they should.
I hope it's ok to have both because that is what I want. I deserve to be able to find the answers I need so I can have peace in my own life.
No comments:
Post a Comment