Achalasia Sucks!!!

I have an Esophageal disorder that effects just about every part of my life. And to be honest I am sick of it. Not that being sick of it matters because it's not like it's ever going away! I don't like being the mom that can't do things because I am sick. Or even to be able to go to a movie and dinner with my husband without worrying about whether or not I will be able to sit through said movie or even eat dinner.

I'm ranting I know but I'm more frustrated then ever recently. The meds they have run me through recently are killing me and it's not like it's anything new because I have been on these meds before. Yet they insist that I try and retry them am I missing something because I don't think the way my body reacts is going to change anytime soon unless of course I get new DNA which I know wont happen.

I have had some pretty messed up dreams recently do to said meds that my body doesn't like. Does anybody know how scary it is to dream about close family members dying? That sucks big time and I have had three of them. The first was my sister and when I finally woke up I was sobbing and shaking. Then it was my mom and after that it was my dad. You know those dreams you have that are so real that when you wake up you call to make sure they are okay.

Well today the Doctor finally took me off of them. Due to the fact that I wasn't functioning very well, I wont go into detail about all the side effects I have had but let's just say I am ecstatic that I am off of them.

Here is the downside of being able to stop the meds. It means I have failed yet another attempt to try to fix the Achalasia I have. Not that it will ever go away I know that I except that I really do. But most people have no idea the pain that I live in day to day.

I'm not looking for sympathy really I'm not. If you see me on the street or whatever please don't feel sorry for me I don't need that. I just needed a place to vent and that is partly why I made this blog I could get a load off without having to worry about David worrying about me LOL.

The specialist that I see are awesome doctors they really are. I would have to go out of state to Seattle or New York to get better care. And so I know that when they look at me with that blank stare and say let me think about what might or might not work for you, I'm in trouble. Why, well because there are only so many options I have and they are quickly running out. And sooner or later they are going to want to take out my esophagus. Yes it's possible I know a few people that have had it done. But they are a lot older then me. And that right there even scares the Doctors. If they take it out they don't know how long I will last and to them this is my last option. Taking out your esophagus will forever change me. There will be a lot of things that I wont be able to do.

So what do I do really. Suffer through the pain and the discomfort of having food stuck. Or take it out and have a whole new set of complications.

I am not going to make any decisions right now or probably anytime soon. This is a huge thing to decide and I'm not wasted away enough to even really worry about it. I am still able to get food down and as hard as I try I can't lose weight. Ya I know what you are thinking, if she can't swallow then why is she at a healthy weight plus some. That I don't know the research I have done shows that a lot of people with Achalasia are obese. there are also a few that are very under weight. This disease does not discriminate. And NO you can't catch it from me. I promise you that.

So I get to go in for even more test the rest of this week. They want to see how bad it's gotten or if it even has gotten any worse. After that I will go in for a scope in May again not like I didn't just have one in February. Ugh!! I hate those test they suck donkey balls. O well I will survive.

I'm not a quitter I refuse to give up. My kids deserve a mom that can be there for them. And David deserves a wife that can take care of him not him taking care of me. I have to much to fight for to throw in the towel. I just wanted to vent and get it out of my system.

Rant over.